The Holidays are over! I’m not sure whether I’m happy or sad. I don’t know if this year was just busier than usual or if being very pregnant and chasing an active toddler made it extra tough. Physically and emotionally I am thankful to be back to regular life. The week of Christmas was tough for Nick and I. We both had break downs. His was a momentary one, I wasn’t so lucky..
Christmas Eve I spent the morning cleaning. My M.O is doing the dishes and listening to Bethel Sermons. This day’s sermon hit me hard. Like I probably should have rewashed the dishes because of all the snot and tears that infiltrated the sink. The sermon started out with a testimony of a 4yr old little boy from Norway with ridiculous health problems, he was slowly dying, in a wheel chair, unable to eat. He had an encounter with the Healer. Here’s the link if you have a couple minutes it’s amazing – http://documentedhealings.com/bethel-church-healing/. After their testimony Bill called for anyone with Cancer or some sort of terminal, incurable disease to stand up for prayer. While people were standing someone asked about ‘standing in the gap’, which means that person stands up for someone they know who needs healing for those things. That reminded Bill of a testimony he recently heard about an infant who had cancerous tumors around the heart, someone stood in the gap and received prayer for that baby and the tumors and cancers were gone. The baby was healed completely. So back to people standing for terminal diseases, praying that impossible conditions would be reversed, breakthrough would happen. Of course Leilah was rolling around and making her presence known as I was listening (and she is now as I re-listen to the sermon). It was just one of those moments when everything that was being said applied deeply to my life. I wasn’t at the sink doing dishes -I was at church. As Bill said these testimonies of the God we serve doing the impossible I cried ‘Of course!! THAT’S WHAT YOU DO!’. None of that surprises me. He’s a great and powerful God, capable of anything. As tears and snot ran down my face my heart’s question was ‘What if you choose not to act?’ Then it all came tumbling down on top of my head…fear, dread, hopelessness, loneliness…it was a rough few days to follow.
Now normally I have a few hard hours or 1 day but I couldn’t shake this. Everyday seemed to get worse. I couldn’t imagine a baby shower, she’d move and I couldn’t talk to her. I didn’t want to leave the house or be in public because I felt like I was barely keeping my head above water. I could burst into tears or worse at any moment. At our family gatherings I pretended to chase B around so I could avoid conversations. I wasn’t the nicest wifey I could be- I had moments of wondering if she dies will our marriage even make it. I felt scared that if she dies my faith won’t survive. I felt like all my prayers hitting the ceiling. I hate to admit this one but jealousy, bitterness and anger crept in as I met the new baby that was added to our extended family. Anytime I’ve thought why me, why us, immediately it’s been rebutted with why not me, why not us- but this week I pondered it a little deeper. It’s just not fair. I was even angry towards teenage girls on reality shows that didn’t even want to be pregnant in the first place but go on to have healthy babies. Anger towards anyone who has ever taken for granted a healthy pregnancy.
I told Nick on Sunday afternoon that I don’t think people can handle when I am unable to handle this. I really don’t think people want to know the nitty gritty. He couldn’t even handle it! I was just going to suffer in silence until the storm passed and try to keep my poison inside. But in true Jesus fashion HE saw that I needed encouragement. HE heard the prayers I was sure were hitting the ceiling. On Sunday night 3 people facebook message/texted me saying they were praying for me. Their words were for His grace to cover, empower, encourage and strengthen me. For His courage to be in my heart. One sent me a voice memo of scriptures reminding me to think about the things of heaven not of earth, to rest in His peace, to be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power.
People – PRAYER WORKS. Monday morning I woke up and the ‘fog’ was lifted. No more hopelessness, I felt joy, deep joy and courage to hope. Strength to pray. Love for my wonderful hubby. A new embrace for this journey and a refreshed ariel view that HE WILL USE THIS for His glory, no matter the outcome. I fell asleep Tuesday night holding my belly as she kicked and moved, from the depths of my heart I told her I loved her, that I want her to live, I imagined what the baby shower will look like. A night and day difference from the days before. I am so thankful for the support and amazing warriors God has placed around us. I’m thankful for a God that hears and acts even when I don’t feel He’s listening. He sent help before I even asked for it.
So as we walk through the final weeks of this journey, 5 to be exact, I will do my best to be more transparent. Hard days are coming stronger and more frequent, kinda like contractions…I think sometimes I forget that I’ve never been through something like this, I don’t have directions or a game plan. This whole Holiday season our family and church has been singing All the Poor and Powerless by All Sons & Daughters. The children sang it in our church’s Christmas program, as a family we sang it at our company party, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. The lyrics remind me that I am powerless, He is God. Sometimes I sing this with all my heart and change the lyrics to He is GOOD.
Go on scream it from the mountains
Go on and tell it to the masses
That He is God
We will sing out
I am powerless to do anything but surrender my heart and trust my God. I will scream it to mountains, He is God and He is Good.