We’re counting down the days until Christmas… wait days?! Not weeks..days. It feels like last weekend was Thanksgiving. Time is flying thanks to the hustle and bustle of the season. At the beginning of this journey I anticipated that our diagnosis was going to ruin the Holidays. I thought how would I be able to be thankful or joyful in the midst of heartache? I’m so glad I was wrong! God has been so good to us and I am surprised everyday by His grace. And being busy with festivities certainly helps to keep my mind occupied although I think about her always.
On Thanksgiving I posted this picture to my Instagram & Facebook. The caption read “As difficult as this season is ‘suppose to be’ I don’t know if I’ve ever felt more thankful. I am thankful for a pregnancy that has defined my faith and challenged what I believe about God and His heart. I am thankful that with Him nothing is impossible. I am thankful that this has opened my eyes to what really matters in this short fragile life, it’s slowed me down and caused me to appreciate so many little things. And I am especially thankful for the love, prayers and support from all over the world! Thank you!! We are so blessed. Happy Thanksgiving! Love Aubrey & Leilah Jubilee (about 10 weeks away)”
Shortly after Thanksgiving we had a.. I’m sure what to call it. A heart ache, a disappointment. A friend of ours lost her baby girl at 18 weeks gestation. It was a tumultuous week of praying for this precious life, declaring life and protection, hearing things were improving and then the final text that it was over and she was with the Lord. I think I shut off towards the end. I couldn’t pray because it hurt to much. It hit too close to home. I was confused and angry at the end, asking God why do we even pray if you’re going to do what you want anyways? We believed according to this scripture and declared according to that, we believed and did not doubt, we bound and loosed, tons of people were praying! How was the passing of that beautiful perfect little life part of your wonderful plan? I still get teary and filled with mixed emotions. Before our diagnosis when I would hear of situations like these I would say ‘How horrible, I just can’t imagine.’ But that week I couldn’t say that, I have to imagine. This may happen.
I’ve been listening to Bill Johnson’s teaching series on Healing. And He doesn’t have the answer either which makes me feel better 🙂 He does point out that churches don’t teach us how to deal with hope deferred, instead we made adjustments to our faith, our beliefs, we hold our hearts back from God. Really though why some are healed and some are not has got to be the biggest question. And the problem with me is I’ve been exposed to miracles, I’ve witnessed God doing the impossible. For goodness sake my middle name is Faith! My mom was told for YEARS that she wasn’t able to have children but God had other plans, she received a word of knowledge at a church service, received prayer and within a few months I was conceived. Yah me! Yah God! You see the standard is set high in my heart! There is no such thing as a ‘hard miracle’ for a God who is limitless. As rough as that week was I will not bend or tweak my theology to fit that situation. I still have hope. I didn’t for a few days then the thought came to me – ‘If I were the enemy what would I want me to believe from this?’ Immediately I thought ‘oh no it worked!’ So I repented and as painful as faith and hope are- I choose it. For her I choose it. It would be much easier to give up if this diagnosis was solely pertaining to me. But it’s not. Life and death weigh in the balance for my Leilah. She’s worth the fight of faith.