Run or Dye San Francisco 32 weeks
Sometimes I forget that this blog isn’t just to preach (sorry..ok not really sorry at all) but also to keep you informed as to the whole pregnancy. I am 32 weeks along. Leilah is incredibly active! I say that with a smile but really it hurts. She stretches and kicks and my entire stomach contorts and I wince. I love feeling her but it is rather uncomfortable. She rarely is calm. I don’t remember B being this active at all.
Speaking of B, he is the sweetest big brother. If I talk about any ‘baby’ or say Leilah he smiles and points to my tummy. He’ll say LaLa and lifts up my shirt to wave at her or give her kisses. This isn’t something we taught him, it was a completely original idea from him. I cried the first time he kissed my tummy. I think he knows something. And of course when we are cuddling she makes sure to kick him and let him know she’s here and not wanting to share mommies lap.
According to my midwife she is head down and I am measuring right at 32 weeks, all good signs. Last appointment we discussed induction and came up with a date. So unless she comes early by herself our date is the morning of February 10th. I’m kind of making plans around it but laughing at the ridiculousness of planning much around birth since even a regular pregnancy is so fluid.
Things I have to do:
Make a birth plan(s). As a ‘special’ patient we get to create a plan for how we want her entrance into the world to be. Music, guests, privacy, preacher etc.. I want to make them specific for each scenario we may face.
Plan A: She’s born a healthy perfect girl with a full head of dark crazy hair like her Grammy – WE HAVE A DANCE PARTY!!!!
Plan B: She’s not healed but her brain stem is working and we get to take her home for a few days…
Plan C: What we do with the minutes.
Plan D: She’s already passed.
And along with Plans B,C,D go the memorial service, burial arrangements etc..
One huge blessing lately has been my midwife. She’s actually the midwife that delivered Benaiah. She lost a baby to anencephaly years ago. My first appointment with her earlier this month we cried almost the whole time. At the end she prayed for me, thanking God for not making mistakes, for His hope and asking for a miracle. I was so blessed! She knows the ins & out of this and relates to me in a way no one else understands. I am so thankful that God wove her into my life 17 months ago. Another reminder that we’re in His loving hands!!
B’s Lala kisses
We’re counting down the days until Christmas… wait days?! Not weeks..days. It feels like last weekend was Thanksgiving. Time is flying thanks to the hustle and bustle of the season. At the beginning of this journey I anticipated that our diagnosis was going to ruin the Holidays. I thought how would I be able to be thankful or joyful in the midst of heartache? I’m so glad I was wrong! God has been so good to us and I am surprised everyday by His grace. And being busy with festivities certainly helps to keep my mind occupied although I think about her always.
Thanksgiving bump 29 weeks
On Thanksgiving I posted this picture to my Instagram & Facebook. The caption read “As difficult as this season is ‘suppose to be’ I don’t know if I’ve ever felt more thankful. I am thankful for a pregnancy that has defined my faith and challenged what I believe about God and His heart. I am thankful that with Him nothing is impossible. I am thankful that this has opened my eyes to what really matters in this short fragile life, it’s slowed me down and caused me to appreciate so many little things. And I am especially thankful for the love, prayers and support from all over the world! Thank you!! We are so blessed. Happy Thanksgiving! Love Aubrey & Leilah Jubilee (about 10 weeks away)”
Shortly after Thanksgiving we had a.. I’m sure what to call it. A heart ache, a disappointment. A friend of ours lost her baby girl at 18 weeks gestation. It was a tumultuous week of praying for this precious life, declaring life and protection, hearing things were improving and then the final text that it was over and she was with the Lord. I think I shut off towards the end. I couldn’t pray because it hurt to much. It hit too close to home. I was confused and angry at the end, asking God why do we even pray if you’re going to do what you want anyways? We believed according to this scripture and declared according to that, we believed and did not doubt, we bound and loosed, tons of people were praying! How was the passing of that beautiful perfect little life part of your wonderful plan? I still get teary and filled with mixed emotions. Before our diagnosis when I would hear of situations like these I would say ‘How horrible, I just can’t imagine.’ But that week I couldn’t say that, I have to imagine. This may happen.
I’ve been listening to Bill Johnson’s teaching series on Healing. And He doesn’t have the answer either which makes me feel better 🙂 He does point out that churches don’t teach us how to deal with hope deferred, instead we made adjustments to our faith, our beliefs, we hold our hearts back from God. Really though why some are healed and some are not has got to be the biggest question. And the problem with me is I’ve been exposed to miracles, I’ve witnessed God doing the impossible. For goodness sake my middle name is Faith! My mom was told for YEARS that she wasn’t able to have children but God had other plans, she received a word of knowledge at a church service, received prayer and within a few months I was conceived. Yah me! Yah God! You see the standard is set high in my heart! There is no such thing as a ‘hard miracle’ for a God who is limitless. As rough as that week was I will not bend or tweak my theology to fit that situation. I still have hope. I didn’t for a few days then the thought came to me – ‘If I were the enemy what would I want me to believe from this?’ Immediately I thought ‘oh no it worked!’ So I repented and as painful as faith and hope are- I choose it. For her I choose it. It would be much easier to give up if this diagnosis was solely pertaining to me. But it’s not. Life and death weigh in the balance for my Leilah. She’s worth the fight of faith.