Month: November 2013

Here’s my heart Lord…

I think one thing that has really stuck out to me this week is just how fragile anything in this world is and how really the only thing that matters, the only thing that will survive in the end is my relationship with the Lord. For eternity I’m His, that blows my mind. As much as I cling to this life and all it has- it’s short, fleeting and not necessarily meant for my comfort. Sure, children are a blessing but not a guarantee, my husband is great but he could choose to leave (especially if I don’t do the dishes more), our house could burn down, our ministry could end, etc. Nothing in this world lasts except my heart and God’s heart. And how I relate to Him in spite of life actually matters. How I view His heart when life is good or when calamity strikes matters.
I’ve been listening to a David Crowder song call ‘Here’s My Heart’, it gutted me yesterday. The lyrics that hit me were ‘You’re all I have, You’re everything, here’s my heart, speak what is true.’ Come February that is all that matters. In the midst of the most trying time of my life He really is everything. So my hearts cry is that I hear Him ‘speak what is true’. Speak what is true, what is eternal, what life really is, what endures, what is good. Speak truth louder than this diagnosis. I want to know His heart and what He thinks and not what I decipher from my circumstance. I pray that at the end of this, no matter the outcome I can still say ‘You’re all I have, You’re everything, Here’s my heart Lord, speak what is true.’

David Crower Passion 2013
Here’s my heart Lord,
Here’s my heart Lord
Here’s my heart Lord,
Speak what is true

‘Cause I am found, I am Yours
I am loved, I’m made pure
I have life, I can breathe
I am healed, I am free

Here’s my heart Lord,
Here’s my heart Lord
Here’s my heart Lord,
Speak what is true

‘Cause I am found, I am Yours
I am loved, I’m made pure
I have life, I can breathe
I am healed, I am free

‘Cause You are strong, You are sure
You are life, You endure
You are good, always true
You are light breaking through

Here’s my heart Lord,
Here’s my heart Lord
Here’s my heart Lord,
Speak what is true

Here’s my life Lord,
Here’s my life Lord
Here’s my life Lord,
Speak what is true
Speak what is true
Speak what is true

I am found, I am Yours
I am loved, I’m made pure
I have life, I can breathe
I am healed, I am free

‘Cause You are strong, You are sure
You are life, You endure
You are good, always true
You are light breaking through

You are more than enough
You are here, You are love
You are hope, You are grace
You’re all I have, You’re everything

Here’s my heart Lord,
Here’s my heart Lord
Here’s my heart Lord,
Speak what is true

Here’s my life Lord,
Here’s my life Lord
Here’s my life Lord,
Speak what is true
Speak what is true
Speak what is true

What a ‘bad’ week looks like

Since I’m writing this blog to share our journey it’s only fair I share the pothole days along the way. The faith-less moments with the full of faith ones… well not that I wouldn’t call the past week faith-less… I just wouldn’t call it full of faith.

I guess I’m learning that my faith works better when I’m a bit sheltered, when I can just concentrate on God and all that He can do. Instead I’ve been reading blogs and books about what might happen. You know, the empty armed ending. Don’t get me wrong these writings are amazing – beautiful pictures of first and final moments, REAL beauty in the midst of the ashes, God showing up. I know I can’t escape that possibility but I try so hard. Is this denial? Leilah has been extra active now that we’re in our third trimester, she kicks and I just pretend like everything is fine. Maybe if I don’t think too hard about this it’ll go away. 

Wednesday morning the pretending was suddenly over. I was doing dishes while listening to worship from Bethel’s service the week before. Leah V. sang a song called ‘You Make Me Brave’ and I lost it. Hunched over the sink I cried ‘I DON’T FEEL BRAVE!  I don’t want to HAVE TO BE brave anymore. This whole situation is bullish**. I just want my baby girl.’ 

Hours later I came down with the flu and not much has changed…

My saving grace..

– The Sunday before last our dear friend P.B., a man who is no stranger to sorrow himself, told us about a prayer meeting he went to one Saturday where he shared our diagnosis and they prayed for Leilah. In great faith they declared her healing. Here we were having a normal day and little did we know people (strangers!) were at that moment warring on her behalf.

– This is a photo from a Missions base in Tijuana Mexico. 
 Image

– I had another message last week from another missions base –
Image

It’s things like this that I take comfort in. That people with mighty faith -greater faith than I, people that are more in touch with the Father’s Heart, people with more gumption to demand and keep demanding a miracle are interceding for this girl. How about the world famous author/lecturer asking the Lord to show His power in her – can’t beat that! 
So when I lack the courage and the strength to fight I know that hundreds and hundreds of people – friends, family, strangers – literally across the globe are standing in the gap. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for believing when I am weak. 

I guess God knew I would need the encouragement when He spoke so blatantly and confirmed this scripture…
Psalms 27:13
[What, what would have become of me] had I not believed that I would see the Lord’s goodness in the land of the living! Wait and hope for and expect the Lord; be brave and of good courage and let your heart be stout and enduring. Yes, wait for and hope for and expect the Lord.

Praying for a fresh wave of brave, of courage, of stout heartedness… I have less than 13 weeks left to endure, to hope for and expect the Lord.